Robitussin, you suck. My cough, and sour throat are a trademark symptom of what you’re supposed to fix. I never take cough medicine, so your nighttime nonsense should have knocked my low tolerance ass right out. It did not. I hate you.
I’ve been sick for a week now, and last night was the first time I tried your medicine man’s elixir, and I woke up with more of a sore throat than any other morning.
Thanks for nothing, Robitussin Nighttime, I hope you burn the in fiery depths of hell.
Like all good weaponry the Double Shot works best with booze. The gun’s main purpose is to harass and irritate family and friends. Dogs also tend to be very skittish of these things, and for good reason.
This double barrel dart shooting shotgun is made by the people of Buzz Bee Toys. Purchased at Target for $9.99 I thought I was getting a hell of a bargain, but it turned out to be another Chinese conspiracy. This gun has nothing on any Nerf products.
The cartridges shoot out when you crack the gun open, which is fun at first, but quickly becomes aggravating. Darts often didn’t leave the chamber, and instead found themselves lodged in the barrel of the gun. This can be quite embarrassing when trying to kill Julia Child on the Jumbo-screen. The darts are firing using air hence its name ‘Air Blasters.’ However, the gust of air is weak causing inaccuracy, and a short firing range. For my taste I find the gun too light, and overall cheaply made. I was hoping more for a full sized, possibly real shotgun experience. This is why after shooting this toy, Collin’s suggestion of shooting a friends real shotgun made in the U.S. of A. sounded like a great idea.
I suppose it’s worth noting that this is a child’s toy, but the fact that there is really no creative alterations on the traditional shotgun, and it’s more of a miniature colorful replica is disturbing. The world needs child soldiers, but they can’t learn on this equipment.
At target looking at the table chart of Nerf products we saw the Vulcan, an intense bipod mounted killing machine. After muttering it’s name a stoner Target worker seemed very eager to show us the product, and was seemingly disappointed when we refused. Sorry buddy.
The shotgun was fun for a short time, but it’s poor quality and the fact that I’m 24 rendered it useless after one day. Oh well, 10 bucks on something that had potential.
Product: Buzz Bee Toys Air Blasters Double Shot
Price: $9.99
Dear Colgate Corporation,
You’ve been in business since 1806, you’ve been making tooth brushes for over 100 years, and basically invented toothpaste. I understand it must get boring making toothbrushes for a whole century. The desire to spice things up is undoubtedly great. But seriously, get this wacky ass crap off my toothbrush.
Tongue Freshener (AKA pointy rubber things on back of head for scraping junk off your tongue): Seriously guys? Did no one during the entire design process actually bother to use this toothbrush? The addition of a spiky surface to the back of the head means that while brushing the outside of your molars you’re simultaneously treated to the removal of the inside of your cheeks… I don’t enjoy feeling like someone is rubbing a miniature hedgehog around my mouth while brushing. If I actually wanted to “freshen” my tongue, I’ll just brush the thing, you know, with the bristles.
Mint scented brush handle: I assume toothpaste makes up a big portion of your business so it’s surprising to me that you think adding more fresh scent to the brushing process is necessary. I’ve got a mouth full of toothpaste (cinnamon in my case, which is a class act of a toothpaste, thanks for making it) so my ability to pick up the delicate minty scent rising from my toothbrush handle is considerably dampened. I suppose I could get a waft of it but really, do I need this? Do I want this? No.
The color: This particular brush seems to have a killer whale thing going on. I wanted a brush that was all black… But apparently the trend in brush design these days is inspired more by 80’s BMX attire than subtle elegance. If there’s one thing I want to live to see, it’s the return of an all black toothbrush (and flying cars).
I’m not writing you for a refund or to return the brush. I already fixed the “tongue freshner” issue by scraping the spikes off with an open pair of scissors, It’s mangled looking but functions… I just want you to know that you’re pushing it, trying a little to hard and you’re product is suffering.
Sincerely,
Collin R Tiegs
Thank you for contacting the Colgate-Palmolive Company with your feedback or question. We have received your e-mail and it is being forwarded to the appropriate parties. You can expect a reply from us within one business day.
Sincerely,
Colgate-Palmolive
The next day:
Dear Mr. Tiegs:
Thank you for contacting us over the Internet about Colgate Max Fresh Toothbrush. Your interest in our products and company is greatly appreciated.
Our goal is to manufacture and market products that meet consumer needs for convenience, value and outstanding performance. Our Product Development Team is constantly striving to formulate a wide variety of products in the hopes that, with a varied marketplace, there will be an adequate selection of products from which to choose.
Your response involved material we wanted to send you, therefore the response has been sent via regular (postal) mail and should reach you within three weeks.
If you do not receive this response through regular mail, or have any questions about this, please contact us again by email, or by calling us at 1-800-468-6502, and provide the number appearing after my name below.
Once again, thank you for taking the time to contact us. We hope this information is helpful.
Sincerely,
Gena Jordan
Consumer Affairs Representative
Consumer Affairs
I’m thinking I’ll probably be receiving a prototype all black toothbrush from them for reviewing purposes. Perhaps Ms. Jordan will take the time to write me a little hand written note as well. Only time will tell!
Nov 13
There was a terrible time in my life, in which I didn’t particularly like big kick ass beers, I drank malt liquor, I drank rolling rock and horrible, horrible shit. I call this time anywhere between the ages of 17-18. When a friend finally got a fake ID, and we had carte blanche reign over the beer isle, I bought a bottle of Stone’s Arrogant Bastard, and a six-pack of Sierra Nevada. I could hardly manage to drink the Arrogant Bastard, the hoppiness was overpowering, even the Sierra Nevada was far from enjoyable to me…
However time heals all wounds, or in this case evolves all palates, and I began to explore the more intense beers not simply because I thought it would make me look like a bad ass (though it is a nice side effect), but out of a sincere lust for something of substance, something with a voice. The India Pale Ale was the first beer style that yelled loud enough for me to pick it out of a crowed. So like a newly born, blind kangaroo baby, I clung to it as though it were my mother’s fur and crawled instinctively into its nurturing marsupial pouch.
The side effect of my early and often IPA abuse is that I’ve become extremely accustom to the flavor profiles they present. Big hops, tons of bitter lovely flavor and a deliciously tangy lingering aftertaste. While I’m no where near being tired of it, I do feel that it takes a good deal more uniqueness to truly rouse me than it did when I made the switch from Mickey’s Grenades to real beer.
Which brings me at last to the beer this review is supposedly reviewing… Karl Strauss’ Tower 10 IPA. This is a lovely, lovely beer. Appropriately bitter, but not so much that it flattens out the flavor profile. Slightly citrus-y, but not so much that it becomes gimmicky. The aftertaste comes on strong and coats the mouth with a lingering bitterness. It’s balanced, above all else, and engenders love and respect because of this.
Often I think the IPA genre becomes a brewery’s intimidation beer. The brew they produced with maximum hops, full flavored, high percentage, full on attitude, in an attempt to garner some street-cred. While this does produce some truly impressive over-the-top beers, I fear that it sells the IPA style short, and is increasingly pushing it towards homogenization. Tower 10 avoids this, both in marketing that is delightfully lacking “edginess” and in a taste that satisfies the lust for hops, without sacrificing multidimensional flavor in the process.
Interestingly Tower 10 didn’t shake me from my IPA desensitization by blowing me away with it’s intensity, nor did it get my attention by going to extremes in the addition of adjunct flavorings like orange peel or something. Instead it simply followed the old creed “Everything in Moderation” and in doing so it delivers a wonderfully balanced IPA experience.
(Did Ben Franklin really coin “Everything in Moderation”? I feel like every witty quote from American History is either attributed to him or Mark Twain, often erroneously, so why bother siting the source anymore. Right?)
Fiscally my life is constantly oscillating between having some money and having no money. I’m on my way back down to the having no money side of things so it seemed fitting to cash in a bowl full of coinage I’ve been saving for my return back to poverty-vile.
My sister and I went to the local Vons to do this. They have a machine there created by elves that’s called a “Coin Master” which automatically counts your coinage. However, just like the elves that run the world’s richest investment banks, they take a cut. In this case 8.9%. That’s a lot but I’m a lazy, lazy man, and even when money gets tight I’m usually willing to pay for something that makes life easier in the near term (like booze for example) even if it ends up costing me down the road (like booze for example).
So we start dumping in the coins, my total comes out to roughly $12.00. Blah, whatever – print – the machine spits out my receipt. Then tells me on it’s crappy little calculator like LCD screen (Coinstar machines are leaps and bounds nicer to look at than Coin Masters. That’s because pixies are responsible for their creation.) to check the coin return. I reach in to find a god damned PILE OF MONEY IN THERE. The sister and I begin to dump this money back into the machine, it spits out about 50% of what I put back in but seems to be reading 100% of it… So we spend the next 10 minutes feeding the machine it’s own excrement until my total reaches $23-ish and change. HOT DAMN! We repeat the process and my sister get’s $25 from it…
Now I know you’re thinking “this is dishonest and evil, and fucking with elves is a bad idea!”, you’re right it is. But I’m not a bad person. A bad person would have gone to his bank and pulled out $1000 in quarters and fed this thing for hours. Wait no, I mean I’m not a smart person because I just thought of that now and I’m too lazy to actually go do it… I guess I’m more afraid of those elves than I thought.
To conclude. If you can find a coinmaster machine that’s fucking up horribly you should probably go and use it. In fact, from here on out I think I’ll probably only use the coinmaster machines, they’re really poorly built (the tray that the coins go into was broken loose when we got there, plus it’s ugly) which means maybe this flaw is systemic. Go forth and pillage, just watch out for elves.
This device has tested my patience over the last year. At times, I am delighted with it, but often I get mad at the damn thing because it takes forever to unlock, and dial a call.
Last week I was ready to throw by BlackBerry through a wall. I had given up on the lock feature. I downloaded the free StormSlider application which works like the iPhone unlock, and have since been satisfied. I also deleted BlackBerry App World, probably the most clunky, device slowing application ever created. I suppose it’s ironic that RIM designed a horrible application, but I don’t want ironic, I want a good phone.
Yesterday I got their latest update v.5.0.0.328, and I am very surprised with the results. They have greatly improved on the visuals including the elastic tension that the iPhone has, and better transitions between application, and windows.
The whole device feels much snappier too. It no longer clunks along as it often did, and everything is nearly instantaneous when clicked on. Many of the basic features have been tweaked too making the visuals much more pleasant to the eyes.
Note this though. The Storm’s keyboard even in landscape is not made for fat fingers. Sorry tubby, that’s just the way it is. The onscreen keyboard does not compensate in any way for your missteps, though it now does try to guess your words, which I haven’t decided yet if that’s good or bad.
Not many people mention this when writing anything about phones, but which I find particularly useful is the custom dictionary. Basically, if you like to curse, or you’re a racist, and like that to spill into your conversation with people you can put these words into your custom dictionary, and the phone won’t correct you because it knows just how much of a horrible human being you really are.
The BlackBerry Storm has actually, finally managed to be a good phone. The thing is built like a tank, and now the software, dare I say it, works well. I would not buy the thing however, as RIM is due to release a Storm 2 in the near future. If you already have the Storm, for the love of god get the update.
Oct 14
Rich pots of bold deliciousness. The warmth and the aroma are the only things that get me up in the morning. If it weren’t for coffee I may never arise from my slumber.
This liquid gem has been around forever, so it seems reasonable to assume that the brewers would have been perfected some time ago. That simply isn’t the case. I have had multiple makers including a couple of Hamilton Beach fancy flim-flams, and one of those stupid single shot makers. They have all since passed on. Hopefully to the fiery pits of hell.
Now I have this stylish Mr. Coffee maker, and frankly, it’s quite good. Let’s look at the features. It has a clock. You can set a brew timer that I have never used, and it has a feature that allows a cup to be poured mid-brew without spillage, though that has since broken. Most importantly it makes a good 12 cups, and it keeps them warm four hours. The unit doesn’t take up much counter space, and can be tucked in the corner.
So sit back, enjoy your coffee, and brandish a knife at anyone that tries to steal a cup.
Product: Mr. Coffee 12-Cup COF FTX41
Price: $50
Oct 7
I have the precision of a drunk surgical intern. When I go to shave it looks like the Alamo, blood and guts everywhere.
A couple of months ago I ran out of shaving gel, and found a discount brand shaving cream under my sink. The results were unsatisfactory, as I bloodied up my chin, and routinely had an uneven shave. After much chagrin, I purchased the Edge shaving gel with extra comfort for my sensitive yet manly skin.
Just a little dab of this stuff will have you covered, unless you’re the elephant man or something. I noticed I had to press down maybe half as hard with the Edge gel than I did with the discount cream. This lead to a first shave fraught with cuts, but after that it has been smooth sailing. Thank you Edge for making me no longer look like a disgruntled sea captain.
Price: $9 for a 4 pack at Costco
Fountains can be calming, soothing, and create an overall sensation of tranquility, or they can sound like a man has been urinating for the last seven days. This frog number that sits not too far from my bedroom window has plagued me since my mother purchased it.
The motives of the frogs are unclear. It is reminiscent of the R. Kelly incident. The victim frog seems apprehensive, and unsure. This is proving to be a bad idea after all, she thinks. The culprit frog sadly, can’t reach. His inadequacies maybe a contributing cause to the other frog’s disappointment. I don’t know, but it’s all just so very twisted.
Embalming frogs in order to have them do perverted sex scenes on fountains for old ladies to purchase and get their kicks is just wrong. It is immoral, and those sex crazed AARP members should know better.
I yearn for the good old days of wind chimes, and cascading rock fountains. I ask for a call to arms, let us please stop making water fountains that sound like men taking a whiz.
Oct 1
Health care is like a girlfriend, and it needs to be more like a prostitute. With Health care Prostitute you negotiate upfront and know exactly what to expect, it’s simple. Health care Girlfriend costs you boatloads of cash over time for service that can be canceled or denied.
Starting today I have health coverage, and I’m not sure if it’s a blessing or a mistake. Individual plans are not cheap, mine is $130 monthly with a $3000 deductible. So baby, even though you’ve eaten surf and turf all year, you want 3 large at the point of entry? And before I reach $3000 I’m doing a solo act? …. Fine.
Mine is a PPO plan through Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield. All in all it isn’t terrible, it does come with a smidgen of dental, and vision. $40 dollar co-pay doctor visits, and generic drug coverage. Outpatient is basically nonexistent, as is all sorts of other crap I don’t understand. What I did try to focus on was hospitalization, ER visits, and drug coverage, all of which are covered in full after the deductible.
I’m finding it hard to get excited about having health insurance when now I’m paying money for a service I hopefully don’t use, and didn’t have to pay for before. However, at this rate I am sure to have massive kidney/liver failure and will undoubtedly get my monies worth. A boy can dream, can’t he?
