This is my new Blackberry Storm Coaster Application, the only thing the phone does well. Willing to sell patent for mad cash.

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Well built, and sexy like me, these headphones are well worth the $80 price tag. The open ear design with the thick foam pads make for long comfortable listening sessions whether it be the melodic sounds of Beethoven, Britney Spears or porn.

They are easily expandable, and the leather band is quite pliable making it simple to accommodate your afro or fat head.

Sound reproduction is excellent with the baseline SR60 model, now upgraded to the SR60i. For you audiophiles and rich people purists there are more expensive models. Most of us will do just fine with the SR60s. There is a warmth in the sound, the highs don’t over modulate, and the lows don’t muddle.

Now go buy the headphones so I don’t have to listen to you playing Starcraft all day.

Grado Labs

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My shortcomings aren’t going to stop me from owning a pair of Vans. Be them classic or the more contemporary variants I am a fan of their simple design, and distinctive white trim. However those models with all that nasty design crap all over them are pure rubbish. Mind you, I now wear them with Dr. Scholls inserts because there isn’t much support especially for my freakish high arching feet.

One day, maybe, I will become too old to wear these shoes. Then what, Sketchers? Bla.

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Drink it neat, on the rocks or mixed, it will always go down smoothly with just the right touch of dryness, and pungency. Sock the bottle away in your pack, and hit the trails. This is the drink of choice to pass around a campfire.

It’s currently a steal for fifteen bucks at the local CVS. In years past it was rarely on sale and generally sold for around twenty two smakerinos.

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Look, Mr. Budding eco-friendly anti-corporate capitalist, I don’t give a shit about your politics on coffee. I don’t care if it’s farmer friendly, all I care about it getting it. Starbucks is what it is for better or for worse, but dammit they make coffee and that’s all that matters.

The Pike Place Roast blend comes off as a neutral, mild yet perfectly acceptable blend. I find no hint of hazelnut or vanilla, just a nice clean roasted bean. I’ve had a few burnt batches, that tasted like drinking coffee that had cigarettes ashed in it, but that may be my coffee maker. The poor girl is getting older, and the brewing is becoming more inconsistent.

I have always found that the best way to get the taste from a blend is to let it cool down until it is almost cold. The true aroma really seems to reveal itself when it’s not burning your tongue.

Would I recommend the Pike Place Roast you ask? Well, honestly that depends. I have no idea how much it cost because I bought the bag when I was drunk. So, if it’s relatively cheap then yes, buy the damn thing. If it’s not then find something else. This is no special coffee. It’s about as non-offensive as they come. I’m sure by now you coffee aficionados will be coming for my head for this very unrefined review, but hey that’s what this blend deserved. Garth Brooks has a BBQ stain on his white T-shirt, and I have coffee stains all my white T-shirts, and my teeth, keyboard, carpet, newspaper, and couch.

NO ROOM FOR CREAM. DRINK IT BLACK!

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Robitussin, you suck.  My cough, and sour throat are a trademark symptom of what you’re supposed to fix.  I never take cough medicine, so your nighttime nonsense should have knocked my low tolerance ass right out.  It did not.  I hate you.

I’ve been sick for a week now, and last night was the first time I tried your medicine man’s elixir, and I woke up with more of a sore throat than any other morning.

Thanks for nothing, Robitussin Nighttime, I hope you burn the in fiery depths of hell.

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Like all good weaponry the Double Shot works best with booze.  The gun’s main purpose is to harass and irritate family and friends.  Dogs also tend to be very skittish of these things, and for good reason.

This double barrel dart shooting shotgun is made by the people of Buzz Bee Toys.  Purchased at Target for $9.99 I thought I was getting a hell of a bargain, but it turned out to be another Chinese conspiracy.  This gun has nothing on any Nerf products.

The cartridges shoot out when you crack the gun open, which is fun at first, but quickly becomes aggravating.  Darts often didn’t leave the chamber, and instead found themselves lodged in the barrel of the gun.  This can be quite embarrassing when trying to kill Julia Child on the Jumbo-screen.  The darts are firing using air hence its name ‘Air Blasters.’  However, the gust of air is weak causing inaccuracy, and a short firing range.  For my taste I find the gun too light, and overall cheaply made.  I was hoping more for a full sized, possibly real shotgun experience.  This is why after shooting this toy, Collin’s suggestion of shooting a friends real shotgun made in the U.S. of A. sounded like a great idea.

I suppose it’s worth noting that this is a child’s toy, but the fact that there is really no creative alterations on the traditional shotgun, and it’s more of a miniature colorful replica is disturbing.  The world needs child soldiers, but they can’t learn on this equipment.

At target looking at the table chart of Nerf products we saw the Vulcan, an intense bipod mounted killing machine.  After muttering it’s name a stoner Target worker seemed very eager to show us the product, and was seemingly disappointed when we refused.  Sorry buddy.

The shotgun was fun for a short time, but it’s poor quality and the fact that I’m 24 rendered it useless after one day.  Oh well, 10 bucks on something that had potential.

Product: Buzz Bee Toys Air Blasters Double Shot
Price: $9.99

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Dear Colgate Corporation,

You’ve been in business since 1806, you’ve been making tooth brushes for over 100 years, and basically invented toothpaste. I understand it must get boring making toothbrushes for a whole century. The desire to spice things up is undoubtedly great. But seriously, get this wacky ass crap off my toothbrush.

Tongue Freshener (AKA pointy rubber things on back of head for scraping junk off your tongue): Seriously guys? Did no one during the entire design process actually bother to use this toothbrush? The addition of a spiky surface to the back of the head means that while brushing the outside of your molars you’re simultaneously treated to the removal of the inside of your cheeks… I don’t enjoy feeling like someone is rubbing a miniature hedgehog around my mouth while brushing. If I actually wanted to “freshen” my tongue, I’ll just brush the thing, you know, with the bristles.

Mint scented brush handle: I assume toothpaste makes up a big portion of your business so it’s surprising to me that you think adding more fresh scent to the brushing process is necessary. I’ve got a mouth full of toothpaste (cinnamon in my case, which is a class act of a toothpaste, thanks for making it) so my ability to pick up the delicate minty scent rising from my toothbrush handle is considerably dampened. I suppose I could get a waft of it but really, do I need this? Do I want this? No.

The color: This particular brush seems to have a killer whale thing going on. I wanted a brush that was all black… But apparently the trend in brush design these days is inspired more by 80′s BMX attire than subtle elegance. If there’s one thing I want to live to see, it’s the return of an all black toothbrush (and flying cars).

I’m not writing you for a refund or to return the brush. I already fixed the “tongue freshner” issue by scraping the spikes off with an open pair of scissors, It’s mangled looking but functions… I just want you to know that you’re pushing it, trying a little to hard and you’re product is suffering.

Sincerely,
Collin R Tiegs

Thank you for contacting the Colgate-Palmolive Company with your feedback or question. We have received your e-mail and it is being forwarded to the appropriate parties. You can expect a reply from us within one business day.

Sincerely,
Colgate-Palmolive

The next day:

Dear Mr. Tiegs:

Thank you for contacting us over the Internet about Colgate Max Fresh Toothbrush.  Your interest in our products and company is greatly appreciated.

Our goal is to manufacture and market products that meet consumer needs for convenience, value and outstanding performance. Our Product Development Team is constantly striving to formulate a wide variety of products in the hopes that, with a varied marketplace, there will be an adequate selection of products from which to choose.

Your response involved material we wanted to send you, therefore the response has been sent via regular (postal) mail and should reach you within three weeks.

If you do not receive this response through regular mail, or have any questions about this, please contact us again by email, or by calling us at 1-800-468-6502, and provide the number appearing after my name below.

Once again, thank you for taking the time to contact us. We hope this information is helpful.

Sincerely,
Gena Jordan
Consumer Affairs Representative
Consumer Affairs

I’m thinking I’ll probably be receiving a prototype all black toothbrush from them for reviewing purposes. Perhaps Ms. Jordan will take the time to write me a little hand written note as well. Only time will tell!

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There was a terrible time in my life, in which I didn’t particularly like big kick ass beers, I drank malt liquor, I drank rolling rock and horrible, horrible shit. I call this time anywhere between the ages of 17-18. When a friend finally got a fake ID, and we had carte blanche reign over the beer isle, I bought a bottle of Stone’s Arrogant Bastard, and a six-pack of Sierra Nevada. I could hardly manage to drink the Arrogant Bastard, the hoppiness was overpowering, even the Sierra Nevada was far from enjoyable to me…

However time heals all wounds, or in this case evolves all palates, and I began to explore the more intense beers not simply because I thought it would make me look like a bad ass (though it is a nice side effect), but out of a sincere lust for something of substance, something with a voice. The India Pale Ale was the first beer style that yelled loud enough for me to pick it out of a crowed.  So like a newly born, blind kangaroo baby, I clung to it as though it were my mother’s fur and crawled instinctively into its nurturing marsupial pouch.

The side effect of my early and often IPA abuse is that I’ve become extremely accustom to the flavor profiles they present. Big hops, tons of bitter lovely flavor and a deliciously tangy lingering aftertaste. While I’m no where near being tired of it, I do feel that it takes a good deal more uniqueness to truly rouse me than it did when I made the switch from Mickey’s Grenades to real beer.

Which brings me at last to the beer this review is supposedly reviewing… Karl Strauss’ Tower 10 IPA. This is a lovely, lovely beer. Appropriately bitter, but not so much that it flattens out the flavor profile. Slightly citrus-y, but not so much that it becomes gimmicky. The aftertaste comes on strong and coats the mouth with a lingering bitterness. It’s balanced, above all else, and engenders love and respect because of this.

Often I think the IPA genre becomes a brewery’s intimidation beer. The brew they produced with maximum hops, full flavored, high percentage, full on attitude, in an attempt to garner some street-cred. While this does produce some truly impressive over-the-top beers, I fear that it sells the IPA style short, and is increasingly pushing it towards homogenization. Tower 10 avoids this, both in marketing that is delightfully lacking “edginess” and in a taste that satisfies the lust for hops, without sacrificing multidimensional flavor in the process.

Interestingly Tower 10 didn’t shake me from my IPA desensitization by blowing me away with it’s intensity, nor did it get my attention by going to extremes in the addition of adjunct flavorings like orange peel or something. Instead it simply followed the old creed “Everything in Moderation” and in doing so it delivers a wonderfully balanced IPA experience.

Karl Strauss, Tower 10 IPA

(Did Ben Franklin really coin “Everything in Moderation”? I feel like every witty quote from American History is either attributed to him or Mark Twain, often erroneously, so why bother siting the source anymore. Right?)

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Fiscally my life is constantly oscillating between having some money and having no money. I’m on my way back down to the having no money side of things so it seemed fitting to cash in a bowl full of coinage I’ve been saving for my return back to poverty-vile.

My sister and I went to the local Vons to do this. They have a machine there created by elves that’s called a “Coin Master” which automatically counts your coinage. However, just like the elves that run the world’s richest investment banks, they take a cut. In this case 8.9%. That’s a lot but I’m a lazy, lazy man, and even when money gets tight I’m usually willing to pay for something that makes life easier in the near term (like booze for example) even if it ends up costing me down the road (like booze for example).

So we start dumping in the coins, my total comes out to roughly $12.00. Blah, whatever – print – the machine spits out my receipt. Then tells me on it’s crappy little calculator like LCD screen (Coinstar machines are leaps and bounds nicer to look at than Coin Masters. That’s because pixies are responsible for their creation.) to check the coin return. I reach in to find a god damned PILE OF MONEY IN THERE. The sister and I begin to dump this money back into the machine, it spits out about 50% of what I put back in but seems to be reading 100% of it… So we spend the next 10 minutes feeding the machine it’s own excrement until my total reaches $23-ish and change. HOT DAMN! We repeat the process and my sister get’s $25 from it…

Now I know you’re thinking “this is dishonest and evil, and fucking with elves is a bad idea!”, you’re right it is. But I’m not a bad person. A bad person would have gone to his bank and pulled out $1000 in quarters and fed this thing for hours. Wait no, I mean I’m not a smart person because I just thought of that now and I’m too lazy to actually go do it… I guess I’m more afraid of those elves than I thought.

To conclude. If you can find a coinmaster machine that’s fucking up horribly you should probably go and use it. In fact, from here on out I think I’ll probably only use the coinmaster machines, they’re really poorly built (the tray that the coins go into was broken loose when we got there, plus it’s ugly) which means maybe this flaw is systemic. Go forth and pillage, just watch out for elves.

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