Bejewled Blitz is a game created by the Chinese Government in order to reduce American Worker productivity to absolute zero. The game is so unmercifully effective that upon completion it was placed in a sealed metal briefcase and carried by hand to the United States in order to be distributed via Facebook (which is a CIA creation designed to harvest information about the nations youth, namely drunken party pictures). The entire effort was codenamed Project Sapphire and its very existence is still not formally recognized by the Chinese.

I was infected by Bejeweled Blitz two days ago and have spent roughly 8 hours “playing” the game. I quote playing, because unlike traditional things that are played for enjoyment and leisure, Bejeweled is played strictly out of sick necessity. The creators have tailored the game in such a way as to sync perfectly with the portion of the human brain dedicated to repetitive tasks of matching and coordinating. The result is a type of stimulation that can be misconstrued by the brain as something akin to problem solving, or work. The stimulation of this specific area has a curious effect, eventually the individual begins to play without consciously acting. The nagging problem of upper level thought vanishes and the player transcends into a machine like state, that is surprisingly, oddly comforting.This is reinforced by the addition of a reward hierarchy that fills the player with a false sense of accomplishment as each new level is reached.

Initially the developers feared that players who so completely indentured, so fully engrossed themselves in the mechanical state, would eventually be coaxed away from the game by their peers, either by force or shaming. The easy solution is to continually reassure the player that they’re not alone, everyone is playing. This is accomplished by creating a “community” around the game in which players can see how their friends are doing, and attempt to best their scores. The competitive element is a remarkably effective way to falsely legitimize hours spent clicking a mouse on colored jewels.

The Chinese have created a near perfect tool for destroying the American workforce from within. Ultimately we will see entire corporations rot from the inside as workers spend copious hours clicking madly in search of fulfillment that is always just another star badge away. The effect on the capitalist system will certainly be profound. My advice to our government is to strike back at the Chinese immediatley. We must send a wave of internet pornography so great that the Chinese people, starved of it by years of censorship, will spend months at a time masturbating.

Let the games begin!

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Tags: Bejeweled, Chinese Conspiracy, Video Game