Look, Mr. Budding eco-friendly anti-corporate capitalist, I don’t give a shit about your politics on coffee. I don’t care if it’s farmer friendly, all I care about it getting it. Starbucks is what it is for better or for worse, but dammit they make coffee and that’s all that matters.

The Pike Place Roast blend comes off as a neutral, mild yet perfectly acceptable blend. I find no hint of hazelnut or vanilla, just a nice clean roasted bean. I’ve had a few burnt batches, that tasted like drinking coffee that had cigarettes ashed in it, but that may be my coffee maker. The poor girl is getting older, and the brewing is becoming more inconsistent.

I have always found that the best way to get the taste from a blend is to let it cool down until it is almost cold. The true aroma really seems to reveal itself when it’s not burning your tongue.

Would I recommend the Pike Place Roast you ask? Well, honestly that depends. I have no idea how much it cost because I bought the bag when I was drunk. So, if it’s relatively cheap then yes, buy the damn thing. If it’s not then find something else. This is no special coffee. It’s about as non-offensive as they come. I’m sure by now you coffee aficionados will be coming for my head for this very unrefined review, but hey that’s what this blend deserved. Garth Brooks has a BBQ stain on his white T-shirt, and I have coffee stains all my white T-shirts, and my teeth, keyboard, carpet, newspaper, and couch.

NO ROOM FOR CREAM. DRINK IT BLACK!

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I hate you sleeping fat kid. I don’t care if your rascal scooter broke and you had to waddle all the way from your car to campus. I don’t care if you ate a bag of candy corn and pitched yourself into a diabetic coma. These are not my concerns.

Why are you here? It’s 8am. The earliest classes are at 8am. If it’s 8am and you’re not in a class that means you’re here early.  In other words, you came with the soul intention of lumbering into the library to catch a manatee like nap. This angers me. I don’t know why exactly, but every time you fidget in your sleep or make some grunting sound, I cringe and despair for humanity.

I’m trying to pound out an essay about something I can already barely manage to care about and having your 300lbs of living, breathing, useless mass 10 feet away is not helping.

So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to go against ever fiber of my being and break the golden rule of the library. I’m going to be loud. I’ll start with a cough, if that doesn’t rouse you I’m going to position my squeaky ass laptop screen repeatedly (it sounds like a spooky Halloween style door creak). If that should fail, I’m going to begin cycling through available ring tones on my cell phone.  I will continue to do this each Tuesday and Thursday until you vacate the library, or find some other place to plop down in. Capiche?

Here’s my review section: If you’re thinking about buying a fat kid to hang around you and sleep all day, don’t. It’s depressing and horrible and will almost certainly turn you into a hate filled jerk.

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