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Judging You Capitalist Swine

Archive for September, 2009

Isaac, You Best Not Touch My Hot Pockets Again

Sep 30

Posted by Chris in Product Review | No Comments

isaac

Not that long ago sacrificing to the gods was messy, and unrefined.  Blood stains found their way into linens, carpeting, and clothing.  Not anymore with the versatile Palm Restaurant Wooden Sacrifice Board.

Made from a blend of woods, it is both strong and transportable.  Need to take the board out to the crops to pour the blood of a lamb on the soil? No problem.  The revolutionary blood gutter traps any would be liquids that are bound to come pouring out of the carcass.  The proportions of the surface are generous enough to accommodate chickens, lambs, goats, coyotes, fish, midgets, virgins, and just about anything else you can think of.

palm

Bad image quality, I know.

For too long the polytheistic among us have had to suffer with inferior products because our brand of religion wasn’t popular enough.  A product of this quality and advancement will undoubtedly bring about a double digit rise in crop yield, fertilize our woman, and bolster our beliefs.

It’s relatively low price ensures that even the recreational sacrificer will get their monies worth, without compromising the integrity needed for heavy users.  Make your pagan friends jealous and get one today.

PS.  Apparently it works well with food too.  Go figure.

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Chloraseptic Spray, or what the shit did I just spray into my mouth

Sep 29

Posted by Collin in Product Review | 1 Comment

devilRight off the bat I have two questions.

  1. Why is this cherry flavored, or flavored at all?
  2. When will I be able to feel my tongue again?

I needed something to relieve that dry throat feeling I get when the weather turns brisk (old man!) and this was in the medicine cabinet. I did a test spray into the sink, looked OK. Shot a few blasts into what I thought would be the back of my throat, but was instead 50% my tongue 40% my cheeks and 10% top-back of my throat. For a second I taste nothing, then it hits me. This is the same numbing sensation and taste I remember from childhood dentist visits. Holy crap get this shit out of my mouth!

My tongue is moderately numb. I’ve been reminded of how horrible childhood can sometimes be and my throat is still sore when I swallow. Thanks, but no thanks chloraseptic spray. On to the next mystery solution in the cabinet.

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Old Moon (Old Vine) Zinfandel 2007

Sep 29

Posted by Collin in Alcohol, Food & Beverage | 3 Comments

oldmoonzin

Listen, I feel that wine making is one of the more noble things a person can do with their life. So naturally, I’m biased toward winemakers. I want to love them no matter the quality of their product. Regardless of taste, it’s still wine, and therefore liquid love and happiness. So if I really don’t care for a bottle of wine, I almost feel bad knocking it. All it ever tried to do was bring a little light into the dark cavernous reaches of my heart and I shot it down, rejected it, called it fat and made it cry. Old Moon Zinfandel came to me all sparkles and sunshine and I spit it from my mouth like lukewarm seawater. For this I feel bad.

Old Moon is a Zinfandel made from vines that are 35-70 years old. I don’t know enough about wine making to know if old vines are synonymous with good wine. However, I would wager that a well placed, well tended middle aged vineyard could produce just as equally interesting wines as an ancient vineyard of similar quality. All this is a long winded way of saying, that the Zinfandel vines that Old Moon gets it’s grapes from are old… Take away from that what you will.

Here’s the deal though. This didn’t taste like the Zinfandels I love, it tasted overly fruity. The black cherry that’s mentioned on the label’s tasting notes is certainly there, but too much so. It overwhelmed the whole balance of the thing and left me kinda puckered up. I tried to get through the glass, but the berry tastes were just too much, too sweet. I wanted a Zinfandel that was big and bold and tasted like sunshine, dirt and spice. Something that’s so dry you have to drink water afterward because you’re parched. This wasn’t that… at first.

BUT WAIT! I sit here now, two days after opening this bottle and I’ve got half of it left. Arguably it should no longer be in a great state for drinking. But I figure I’m writing the review, I should have a sip to remember why I disliked it so damn much. I wrest free the cork and because I’m lazy I take a swig straight from the bottle. What the fuck? Hello spicy dryness, hello bold character, hello tannins aplenty. What happened to you Old Moon? What have you become? Did oxygen contamination fix you? Did my palate change almost overnight?

I pour some into a glass to investigate further. Not much change, I can pick up a bit more fruit if I focus hard and sniff deep, it’s so much less than before. Suddenly this wine has become – almost – hot tasting.

What does this mean? Well, I think if there’s one take away from this it’s that any review is horribly subjective. When you’re dealing with taste (I mean literally the sense, not the “there’s no accounting for…” kind) things get even more murky. In this case, I can’t even trust my own palate to tell me the same “truth” on separate days because even it seems subjective and privy to fits of change. To chop up a review of food or drink into a “This sucks. This doesn’t” dichotomy is to be disingenuous and ignorant, at best.

So buy the wine still. Buy all kinds of wine. Remember that wine loves you and it’s up to you to let it into your heart.

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Mightier Than The Sword, My Ass

Sep 29

Posted by Chris in Product Review, School | 1 Comment

pen

A pen is a pen of course of course.  This is what one would think, but it proves to be flagrantly inaccurate.  I used a Pilot G2 for nearly all of my tertiary education, and it preformed admirably.  The only problem I had with them was that I always broke the clip, but this was more my fault than the pen maker.  Then I thought that maybe I was missing a whole other world out there of click top pens, so I ventured into the unknown.  My next purchase was the Papermate equivalent, and it too rocked some serious note taking. So recently when I needed a new batch of pens after customers have slowly over time stolen mine, I figured any choice was a good choice.  I went cheap, and boy do I regret it.

Meet the OfficeMax GEL 0.7, a worthless pile of generic apathy.  Running somewhere around 5 bucks for a 6 pack, they are cheap compared to the Pilot G2s, but still not all that cheap, just crappy.  The pen offers a reasonable amount of comfort sporting a grip pad, but it is much more firm, and far less padded than its rivals.   That’s about where compliment(s) for the pen cease.

The plastic used it cheap, and thin.  After one week on the job, one has already broken under pressure.  Without warning a hairline fracture caused the bottom portion to shoot across the room with all its innards at an incredibly high velocity.

Then there’s the writing, oh you poor bastard of a pen.  It can write on very limited surfaces, and I mean very limited.  If the surface does not have mild padding like a stack of papers, you are royally fucked.  When it does work, the ink distribution is all wonky.  Often times it will lay ink on two distinctive lines, and have a very thin white gap in the middle.  This makes small writing hard to read.  You bastards at Office Max are going to cost me tips because I can’t make out what the hell people wrote on the credit card receipt.  It should be noted too that the Papermate pen could be held horizontal for some time before the ink would settle and you couldn’t write anything.  You can not write horizontal at all on this pen in the horizontal position, which might seem like a minor detail, but in my line of work there is a lot of writing that is done against a door frame.

While Pilot and Papermate R&D were pulling all-nighters, Office Max went with the ‘eh, that’s good enough’ approach.’  Due to my cheapness, I will probably ride this batch of pens out, though that should only take another month or so, then I’m going back to good pens.

Thank you Office Max for making a product that should be simple and reliable, and seriously fucking it up.

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American Optical Original Pilot Sunglasses

Sep 29

Posted by Collin in Product Review | 1 Comment

OH HEY SEXPOT WHAT UP

OH HEY SEXPOT WHAT UP

I went sailing two weeks ago. Upon returning to the marina after a rather successful day  at sea (no one died and we got pretty drunk) we managed to come in hot when entering the slip and damned near hit another boat (lots of yelling and pushing off of shit with long poles was involved). Then we almost hit the dock and I jumped off the ship to help guide us in. It was in this moment as I bent over to tie off to a cleat that my lovelyish Paul Smith sunglasses fell from my head and into the murky depths. Despite a valent attempt by one of the boats owners who donned snorkle gear and mounted a hell of a search and rescue operation, they were still lost.

No matter, they had their drawbacks. They had rather small lenses (that were brown). They slipped off my face a lot, a fault that would ultimately lead to their demise. Above all, you couldn’t really do anything athletic with them. So I went out in search of something new, and less prissy and expensive (that was a big deal).

The solution, American Optical Original Pilots. They’re the original aviator sunglasses, designed back in WWII for fighter pilots so that sun wouldn’t get in the way of killin’ Nazis. If you’re an idiot like me and feel like the shit you buy does, in some way, define you (or at least your outward appearance) whether you like it or not, than you know that owning something that was fundamental in Nazi killin’ is a good thing.

The glasses cost about $40.00, which is a steal. They’re made in the USA and appear to me to be of fine quality build. The lenses kick the shit out of any pair of glasses I’ve ever owned. They’re glass and the optical clarity is amazing. Rather than having really slim curving sides that hook the ear they’ve got sizeable plastic ends which flex a bit but are curved inward, the result is a much grippier feeling, without the sensation that your temples are being slowly pierced.

I went on a 3 hour bike ride yesterday and while they’re clearly not proper sporting sunglasses (they don’t look like spacemen would wear them at all) they preformed admirably. As an added bonus I looked like a complete badass (in my mind) as I streaked (huffed and puffed and nearly vomited) through the hills of Southern California.

So final verdict, 9/10. Easily. They’re no-nonsense sunglasses with a heritage I can respect. You could go buy a pair of Oliver Peoples Aviators, but essentially you’re buying fancied up version of the original. The style was functional before it was fashionable, so why not go with the real thing.

(Added bonus, Don Draper wears them. Not that I’m into it or was even aware of that prior to ordering them… I swear to God…)

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V8 Victory

Sep 28

Posted by Chris in Food & Beverage, Product Review | No Comments

v8

Beep.  7:30am.  I’m supposed to run, fuck that.

Beep.  8:00am.  Just get your ass up, fuck that.

8:30, 8:45, 9:15, 9:30,9:35, 9:40.  Alright, alright, fine I’ll get up.  I’ve got work in fifty minutes anyway.  Why does my back hurt?  Jacuzzis and Martinis DO NOT MIX.

I’ll take a quick shower, and still have enough time for a cup of coffee, oh thank god.    I still feel like crap.  Work is clearly not an option today, I’ve got to leave in ten.  Good, I need food.  Bagels, no.  Hard boiled eggs, no.  I can’t stomach any of this crap.  V8!  Victory, chug it down.

It’s not only good for hangovers, it is really quite good on it’s own.  The stuff is packed with sodium, oh delicious sodium.  DO NOT GET THE LOW SODIUM V8!  I guarantee life will suck.  Also, drink it cold.  When it’s cold it’s think and a little lumpy, the way I like it.  When it’s room temperature the viscosity is like water, and the taste is mildly offensive.

I hated it at first, but like most good things in life like whiskey and public radio, I learned to love it.  Now it’s part of the routine.  It’s a great pick-me-up too, if you don’t think you’ll make it till lunch.  They make a 5.5oz can, I don’t know what that bullcrap is about.  Get the 11.5oz can, it’s the perfect amount.

Fucked if I know if it has electrolytes, but drink this post boozing and you’re golden.  If you’re feeling like a real trooper in the morning, have a hair of the dog that bit you, and drink a bloody mary.  Much respect.

Alright, I’m swearing off alcohol for at least a day.  I’ll run tomorrow, probably, maybe.

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Dinoflagellates, Now With MORE Bioluminescence

Sep 28

Posted by Collin in Nature, Observation | 1 Comment

Dinoflagellate_bioluminescence

Saturday September 26th, 2009 the girlfriend and I drove up to Ventura, CA in what would be a fruitless attempt to attend the California Beer Festival. We waited in line for an hour or so, but they sent us packing when they hit capacity some 30-40 people before us… Having stood at the gates of my Valhalla only to be turned away, my paradise lost, my palate un-satiated,  I did the next best thing. I took the girl to a dive bar and had a shot and a beer. Then more beer, then some cigarettes, then some Mexican food with friends who did get into beer heaven. Then, more beer.

Eventually night fell and we ended up at the beach. From the spot we had staked out a ways back from the water it was apparent that the occasional wave appeared illuminated. I’m dumb so I assumed this was light from the shore somehow reflected by the waves. However my very sweet companion (“she’s the angel of compassion, she’s rubbing half the world against her thigh”) is not dumb. She informed me in elated, joyful fashion that what we were bearing witness to was Dinoflagellates, a small little organism that when jostled releases a burst of Bioluminescent light.

Right about now we both shift into dork mode and run down to the water to investigate further. What followed was one of the most beautiful displays of natural wonder I’ve ever seen. As waves build up and crash and the Dinoflagellates smash about the entire wave suddenly glows an amazing blue color (almost like a blue LED). When you walk on the sand by the water your footsteps emit pulses of light. Like playing Dance Dance Revolution, but without loosing your dignity. A quick scrape of a foot across the sand causes a streak of blue to trace the path. Loose sand kicked up, briefly sparkles with illuminated specks. By the rock outcropping the concentration of Dinoflagellates was even greater, and the effect was amplified. Jumping as high as you can and landing with both feet sent a glow easily three or four feet in diameter exploding from the point of impact.

It really felt like something that shouldn’t happen. Like someone broke open a bunch of glow sticks into the ocean. Like something we should’ve had to pay to see. Instead we just happened upon it, a magical glowing ocean, something ancient…

If you get the chance, go play in some Dinoflagelletes.

(NOTE: Apparently a concentration of Dinoflagelleates is a telltale sign that water quality isn’t the greatest in that area. I guess pollution draws them out or something. But hell, who knew pollution could be so beautiful?)

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AmberBock Now Made For Drinking…. right?

Sep 25

Posted by Chris in Alcohol, Product Review | No Comments

AmberBock

Well, it’s a beer. I swear to God, Allah, Buddha, Zeus, and Judas Priest on that, but no one else.  Every week I bowl, and every week I am confronted with two options for draft beer,  Bud Light or AmberBock.  Between these two evils I routinely choose the latter.

Michelob-AmberBock

I wouldn’t say it’s a full body beer, but it’s hearty enough.  I have found if you drink enough of it, it becomes a full body beer.  The taste is unrefined, and bland. As a product of Michelob this is no big surprise.  When they come out with an AmberBock Ultra sign me up, clearly it will be divine.

AmberBock is like a scab that is starting to fall off.  At first you think ‘oh, no, I better just leave it alone,’ but we both know that doesn’t last long.  Eventually you start picking at it (drinking), and picking at it, and figure when it’s all done things will be much better.  Sure the process isn’t pleasant, and there is a little blood (normally in both cases), but you are grateful for the end result, blotto and scab free.

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IT’S TIME FOR A FAN

Sep 24

Posted by Chris in Product Review | No Comments

ceiling fan

My bedroom is home to a Hunter ceiling fan.  The rest of the house has recently been infiltrated by an army of Casablanca fans.  I can not speak on their behalf, as I have had very little interaction with them, but I can tell you a little of my Hunter.

It has no bells or whistles, and by that I mean lights.  I’m not one for lights on my fan, too cumbersome.  On its most powerful setting it puts out a respectable gust wind, but nothing fierce.  If you’re looking for a fan that creates tornado type blasts this is not the fan for you.  It does however sway, but I have theories about that.  Either it was mounted improperly, or more likely my brother throwing ice into the blades for years has probably messed with the moorings.

With only one chain, and four speed settings I rather like this dust ridden piece of equipment.  Mind you there is a lot of dust, hopefully it’s not spreading asbestos; I’d say it’s 50/50.

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PANDORA LOVES AMERICA

Sep 23

Posted by Chris in Technology, Truth | No Comments

lifeSometimes all a man needs is Pandora, Bob Dylan, and some fucking sunshine.  God bless this great country. I swear, give a man a backyard and he’ll show you his dream.  The weatherman says it be 95 but god dammit if I don’t love that sun-kissed feeling.

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