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Archive for October, 2009

Cannibals Make For Bad Neighbors

Oct 31

Posted by Chris in Nature, Observation, Truth | No Comments

cannibal

‘No, Frank, you can’t eat me.  Get the hell out of my BBQ. I don’t care if you made a delicious dry rub designed specifically for human flesh.’

I have no moral qualms with eating people, however I am an anti-cannibal for practical reasons.

Think of cannibalism in the same sense that we think of driving.  There is an inherent level of trust when we drive.  If too many people start ignoring the rules, running red lights for example, it leads to traffic jams, and a general break down of the entire system.  Likewise if we start eating anyone at will, society simply won’t be able to function.  The trust is lost, and we become one of those horrible backward-ass third world countries.

Legislation governing cannibalism wouldn’t work either.  Maybe we start a human farm, humans raised solely for the purpose of being eaten.  The criteria for putting people in this farm would be far too subjective, and influenced by special interest groups.  If something like this were to take effect a group like the NRA could come in, and set up some sort of human hunting league, which could lead to God knows what.

Just look at who cannibals are: Tribal people, the Congolese,  and Liberians.  Not any society I want to be a part of.  So, don’t eat your neighbor, and have a Happy Halloween.

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Library People Part 2: Sleeping Elderly Asian Man

Oct 29

Posted by Collin in Observation, School, Truth | No Comments

library_asian

What is it about a library that seems to attract people of all ages, races and states of consciousness? I suppose the abundance of chairs featuring arms, the warmth/cool (depending on the season) and the general free-ness of the place draws folks into it’s comforting bookish bosom.

I am convinced that this man is ghost. A long dead master of some eastern metaphysical cult. In life he so loved knowledge that he returns to our earthly plane at night and strolls the halls of our libraries, pausing from time to time to pull a book from the shelf, read a few lines and smile knowingly to himself before moving on. Eventually he becomes exhausted from the strain of materializing his soul and he begins the process of returning to the realm of ghosts and wind. Which is what he’s doing right now.

Even if he isn’t a ghost, I approve completely of his presence in the library. He’s quiet, well kept and has a certain dignified air that hangs about him even while sleeping. Contrasted to the beast man I last reviewed, he is a drowsy zen garden, while tub-tard is a couch on your trashy neighbors lawn.

double_the_pleasure

(A man can go his whole life without getting the chance to photograph something so magical as this. I had to sneak up on them like a wildlife photographer, the fat kid had just settled in and was not yet fully asleep. Very dangerous territory.)

Asian man:

  • Dignified nearly upright posture
  • Perfectly silent (Ninja?)
  • Even though sleeping, still a model of self discipline

Fat kid:

  • So slouched he requires the use of an auxiliary chair
  • Makes grunting noises while setting up his sickening sleep concoction, makes grunting noises while sleeping, makes grunting noises when awaking, makes grunting noises while leaving
  • All those who see him weep uncontrollably for the future of America

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BlackBerry Storm v.5.0.0.328 Update – Now With Useability

Oct 28

Posted by Chris in Product Review, Technology | No Comments

hitler

This device has tested my patience over the last year.  At times, I am delighted with it, but often I get mad at the damn thing because it takes forever to unlock, and dial a call.

Last week I was ready to throw by BlackBerry through a wall.  I had given up on the lock feature.  I downloaded the free StormSlider application which works like the iPhone unlock, and have since been satisfied.  I also deleted BlackBerry App World, probably the most clunky, device slowing application ever created.  I suppose it’s ironic that RIM designed a horrible application, but I don’t want ironic, I want a good phone.

Yesterday I got their latest update v.5.0.0.328, and I am very surprised with the results.  They have greatly improved on the visuals including the elastic tension that the iPhone has, and better transitions between application, and windows.

The whole device feels much snappier too.  It no longer clunks along as it often did, and everything is nearly instantaneous when clicked on.  Many of the basic features have been tweaked too making the visuals much more pleasant to the eyes.

Note this though.  The Storm’s keyboard even in landscape is not made for fat fingers.  Sorry tubby, that’s just the way it is.  The onscreen keyboard does not compensate in any way for your missteps, though it now does try to guess your words, which I haven’t decided yet if that’s good or bad.

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Not many people mention this when writing anything about phones, but which I find particularly useful is the custom dictionary.  Basically, if you like to curse, or you’re a racist, and like that to spill into your conversation with people you can put these words into your custom dictionary, and the phone won’t correct you because it knows just how much of a horrible human being you really are.

The BlackBerry Storm has actually, finally managed to be a good phone.  The thing is built like a tank, and now the software, dare I say it,  works well.  I would not buy the thing however, as RIM is due to release a Storm 2 in the near future.  If you already have the Storm, for the love of god get the update.

Get the update here.

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Dear Bitches Blocking The Bike Path,

Oct 27

Posted by Chris in Observation, Truth | No Comments

Jogger

Bitch, seriously get out of my way.  There are only 3 of you, and yet you have managed to block the bike path in both directions, and the walking path.  It amazes me how oblivious you idiots really are.  You are walking an arm lengths apart.  Is this just in case you break into involuntary simultaneous jumping jacks?

Your arms are swinging with such vigor I’d swear you were speed walkers, but you’re moving maybe 2 mph.  You don’t walk in a straight line, and you yap, oblivious to any other individual that wants to get around your dumb ass.  We both know too that if someone came in saying ‘on your left’ you would freak the fuck out, and get all pissy about how they blew by you.  To you, bitches of the bike path, FUCK YOU!

The bike path can be a great thing.  Running on the street can be sketchy, and it’s nice to get away from the cars.  Most people adhere to the concept of the path, and all is well on the carless strip of asphalt.  Then there’s these women, and it’s always women.  They leave absolutely no room.  Personally, when coming at them, I choose one to run directly at, and force her off to the side.  I give her a death stare, and I’m considering carrying a shiv just in case she has the nerve to say ‘good morning.’

This all happened on the San Francisquito Trail which is actually a very nice long trail.  I usually come in on it at the corner of McBean and Copper Hill, but if you want to drive there you can pick it up at the Valencia Heritage Park on Newhall Ranch Road.  This is all in Santa Clarita, CA.

PS:  It seems that this site is slowly turning into our hated of humanity.  Oh well, so be it.

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Oye Dios Mios

Oct 26

Posted by Chris in Observation, Stores, Truth | No Comments

walter magazine

Standing in line at Vallarta Supermarket I saw whatever the fuck this is.  The 5 lbs. of carne aside prevented me from flipping through it, but honestly, do I want to?

Is this a man or a woman?  Shehim has clearly been inspired by Robin Williams in the 90’s sensation Mrs. Doubtfire.

Magazine aside Vallarta is a magical land of wonder and delight.  It caters to the latinos in us all, and especially to the high concentration of hispanics living in the area.  They have vats of guacamole and nacho cheese the size of a victorian bath tub.  All types of meat, fresh produce, a little eating area, and fresh tortillas make it all so grand.  It is a bustling vibrant establishment, and worth checking out.

Hell Yes!

Hell Yes!

Often they have some radio station that comes down and makes an ass load of noise.  You will know when this is going on because there is a 30 ft. inflatable tecate can.

Vallarta also has a service that delivers food or picks people up, I’m not quite sure.  All I know is those fucks drive  40 mph through the parking lot, and have nearly taken me out on multiple occasions.

Wrap Up:  Fire up the grill, get some beer, and buy whatever damn dead animal your heart desires.  You won’t regret it.

You can find store locations at http://www.vallartasupermarket.com/

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This shitty paper I just wrote about a book I didn’t read: PART 2!

Oct 22

Posted by Collin in School, Truth | 1 Comment

paper-baby-paper

System: 0, Collin: 1 million.

I can’t read half of what the notes on this pile of trash are trying to convey to me. Something about my thesis not having anything to do with the rest of the paper (small potatoes, really). What I can read is that big ol’ fuckin’ “A-”!

Looks like  I correctly surmised that being smart means you don’t have to try. This paper was certainly no skin off my back, and look at the result. A very respectable A-, I can live with that. It’s like the professor read it and knew that I just crapped it out, but she can see my inner genius shinning through the cracks. And what the hell, compared to the pile of regurgitated lunchables she’s just read through this thing is pretty damn good. So an A feels right, but she can’t just give me an A. If she does that she knows I’ll quit right there, lock in this level of crap-quality and churn it out for the rest of the semester. So she gives me the minus there as a means of encouraging improvement. Clever girl.

So there you have it folks, the systems broke but I ain’t in no mood to fix it.

Read Part 1 Here via this internet link.

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Library People Part 1: Sleeping Fat Kid

Oct 22

Posted by Collin in Observation, School, Truth, Uncategorized | No Comments

fatty

I hate you sleeping fat kid. I don’t care if your rascal scooter broke and you had to waddle all the way from your car to campus. I don’t care if you ate a bag of candy corn and pitched yourself into a diabetic coma. These are not my concerns.

Why are you here? It’s 8am. The earliest classes are at 8am. If it’s 8am and you’re not in a class that means you’re here early.  In other words, you came with the soul intention of lumbering into the library to catch a manatee like nap. This angers me. I don’t know why exactly, but every time you fidget in your sleep or make some grunting sound, I cringe and despair for humanity.

I’m trying to pound out an essay about something I can already barely manage to care about and having your 300lbs of living, breathing, useless mass 10 feet away is not helping.

So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to go against ever fiber of my being and break the golden rule of the library. I’m going to be loud. I’ll start with a cough, if that doesn’t rouse you I’m going to position my squeaky ass laptop screen repeatedly (it sounds like a spooky Halloween style door creak). If that should fail, I’m going to begin cycling through available ring tones on my cell phone.  I will continue to do this each Tuesday and Thursday until you vacate the library, or find some other place to plop down in. Capiche?

Here’s my review section: If you’re thinking about buying a fat kid to hang around you and sleep all day, don’t. It’s depressing and horrible and will almost certainly turn you into a hate filled jerk.

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Good Morning Mr. Coffee

Oct 14

Posted by Chris in Food & Beverage, Product Review | No Comments

coffeemaker

Rich pots of bold deliciousness.  The warmth and the aroma are the only things that get me up in the morning.  If it weren’t for coffee I may never arise from my slumber.

This liquid gem has been around forever, so it seems reasonable to assume that the brewers would have been perfected some time ago.  That simply isn’t the case.  I have had multiple makers including a couple of Hamilton Beach fancy flim-flams, and one of those stupid single shot makers.  They have all since passed on.  Hopefully to the fiery pits of hell.

Now I have this stylish Mr. Coffee maker, and frankly, it’s quite good.  Let’s look at the features.  It has a clock.  You can set a brew timer that I have never used, and it has a feature that allows a cup to be poured mid-brew without spillage, though that has since broken.  Most importantly it makes a good 12 cups, and it keeps them warm four hours.  The unit doesn’t take up much counter space, and can be tucked in the corner.

So sit back, enjoy your coffee, and brandish a knife at anyone that tries to steal a cup.

Product: Mr. Coffee 12-Cup COF FTX41

Price: $50

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God Speaks

Oct 10

Posted by Chris in Art, Observation, Truth | No Comments

jamesart

Born from the womb of a man, this piece of art speaks to the transcendence, and stillness of time.  Sturdy like the pillars of Rome this work will stand in posterity attesting to our greatness as the kings of the start of the third millennia.

We know not why he created it, or how, all we know is that he did.  The back is thick, and sturdy like the back of so many hard working Americans.  The form is coherent yet scattered like our daily lives.  The center diamond like granite tile asserts itself with such bravado that you can’t dare to look into it or anyway from it.  It is the heart of the piece, the lifeblood.  A lightning bolt of quartz or some other mineral streaks through it with the vitality of all mankind.

The smaller fragmented pieces are separated, yet held together on one solid plank.    They represent the various stages or our life.  Seeming distant, yet interconnected.  The crossword like designs speak to our intelligence.  The linear design symbolizes progress, and the arrows point to infinity.

This work will effect the future of American society, how, I am not sure.  It should hang in every union hall, every city hall, every hospital, and every firehouse.  It stands for not just one man, but for one society, the great society.  Its code, its ethics, may not be understood by outsiders, but its encrypted message can be deciphered by any true American heart now, or an eternity from now.

An original work done by James Horn.

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This shitty paper I just wrote about a book I didn’t read.

Oct 8

Posted by Collin in Observation, School, Truth | 2 Comments

SchoolSucks_1

Here’s what we’re going to do. I just wrote a paper, not a big one, just a 3 page jobber we write every week for a upper level history course I’m taking. I wrote it about a 6th century Persian work that essentially amounts to a “Scientific” discourse on, uh, everything. I read a few pages, skimmed through most of it and also read two paragraphs of scholarly writing about it. Then I wrote a brief essay detailing what the work tells us about the values of Persian elites during the period.

Who knows? Not me. I guessed. Said it had a lot to do with their emphasis on logical reasoning and it’s application to the natural world. I put two quotes from the book into the paper (thank you online source of the book for allowing me ctrl+F myself to relevant supporting passages with ease) and called it a day.

How is this a review you ask? It’s not… yet. Consider this the pre-review. Here’s the deal, I’m going to turn this thing in today and then when I get it back in a week or so time I’ll see if I’ve properly beaten the system, or if they call my bluff.

Not that this is plagiarized, it’s not, I wrote every word (except supporting sources, obviously), my ideas are my own and everything is properly cited. I should make that clear in case anyone working for the man is reading this.

Anyway, point being, there’s no reason I should be able to get away with this. If I do, it more or less proves that if you have even lick of intelligence you can sail through pretty much everything academic with relative ease. Sadly, I suppose it also means that standards have been lowered greatly to accommodate a humongous wave of stupid people… Which is bad for everyone.

Should I get this paper back and it’s so drenched in red that it looks like it just fought the battle of Iwo Jima, then I’ll know that all hope is not lost. The world still has a sharp bullshit detector and higher education isn’t a total sham.

So, now we wait. Frankly it’s a bit of a double edge sword, I’d rather get a good grade, but maintain my faith in humanity. Sadly, that’s not an option. We’ll see!

UPDATE: Part Two Completed, results are in! Read it HERE!

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