Now that it’s ending I have no idea why the hell I played the game. It wasn’t particularly fun, and nothing ever happened. It passed time until my impending death I suppose. Other than that, it served no real purpose. I have no inclination to buy their new monopoly game, and as I delete my web browser’s bookmark I can only think that this was a pointless 10 minute daily activity.
Like all good weaponry the Double Shot works best with booze. The gun’s main purpose is to harass and irritate family and friends. Dogs also tend to be very skittish of these things, and for good reason.
This double barrel dart shooting shotgun is made by the people of Buzz Bee Toys. Purchased at Target for $9.99 I thought I was getting a hell of a bargain, but it turned out to be another Chinese conspiracy. This gun has nothing on any Nerf products.
The cartridges shoot out when you crack the gun open, which is fun at first, but quickly becomes aggravating. Darts often didn’t leave the chamber, and instead found themselves lodged in the barrel of the gun. This can be quite embarrassing when trying to kill Julia Child on the Jumbo-screen. The darts are firing using air hence its name ‘Air Blasters.’ However, the gust of air is weak causing inaccuracy, and a short firing range. For my taste I find the gun too light, and overall cheaply made. I was hoping more for a full sized, possibly real shotgun experience. This is why after shooting this toy, Collin’s suggestion of shooting a friends real shotgun made in the U.S. of A. sounded like a great idea.
I suppose it’s worth noting that this is a child’s toy, but the fact that there is really no creative alterations on the traditional shotgun, and it’s more of a miniature colorful replica is disturbing. The world needs child soldiers, but they can’t learn on this equipment.
At target looking at the table chart of Nerf products we saw the Vulcan, an intense bipod mounted killing machine. After muttering it’s name a stoner Target worker seemed very eager to show us the product, and was seemingly disappointed when we refused. Sorry buddy.
The shotgun was fun for a short time, but it’s poor quality and the fact that I’m 24 rendered it useless after one day. Oh well, 10 bucks on something that had potential.
Product: Buzz Bee Toys Air Blasters Double Shot
Price: $9.99
Dear Colgate Corporation,
You’ve been in business since 1806, you’ve been making tooth brushes for over 100 years, and basically invented toothpaste. I understand it must get boring making toothbrushes for a whole century. The desire to spice things up is undoubtedly great. But seriously, get this wacky ass crap off my toothbrush.
Tongue Freshener (AKA pointy rubber things on back of head for scraping junk off your tongue): Seriously guys? Did no one during the entire design process actually bother to use this toothbrush? The addition of a spiky surface to the back of the head means that while brushing the outside of your molars you’re simultaneously treated to the removal of the inside of your cheeks… I don’t enjoy feeling like someone is rubbing a miniature hedgehog around my mouth while brushing. If I actually wanted to “freshen” my tongue, I’ll just brush the thing, you know, with the bristles.
Mint scented brush handle: I assume toothpaste makes up a big portion of your business so it’s surprising to me that you think adding more fresh scent to the brushing process is necessary. I’ve got a mouth full of toothpaste (cinnamon in my case, which is a class act of a toothpaste, thanks for making it) so my ability to pick up the delicate minty scent rising from my toothbrush handle is considerably dampened. I suppose I could get a waft of it but really, do I need this? Do I want this? No.
The color: This particular brush seems to have a killer whale thing going on. I wanted a brush that was all black… But apparently the trend in brush design these days is inspired more by 80’s BMX attire than subtle elegance. If there’s one thing I want to live to see, it’s the return of an all black toothbrush (and flying cars).
I’m not writing you for a refund or to return the brush. I already fixed the “tongue freshner” issue by scraping the spikes off with an open pair of scissors, It’s mangled looking but functions… I just want you to know that you’re pushing it, trying a little to hard and you’re product is suffering.
Sincerely,
Collin R Tiegs
Thank you for contacting the Colgate-Palmolive Company with your feedback or question. We have received your e-mail and it is being forwarded to the appropriate parties. You can expect a reply from us within one business day.
Sincerely,
Colgate-Palmolive
The next day:
Dear Mr. Tiegs:
Thank you for contacting us over the Internet about Colgate Max Fresh Toothbrush. Your interest in our products and company is greatly appreciated.
Our goal is to manufacture and market products that meet consumer needs for convenience, value and outstanding performance. Our Product Development Team is constantly striving to formulate a wide variety of products in the hopes that, with a varied marketplace, there will be an adequate selection of products from which to choose.
Your response involved material we wanted to send you, therefore the response has been sent via regular (postal) mail and should reach you within three weeks.
If you do not receive this response through regular mail, or have any questions about this, please contact us again by email, or by calling us at 1-800-468-6502, and provide the number appearing after my name below.
Once again, thank you for taking the time to contact us. We hope this information is helpful.
Sincerely,
Gena Jordan
Consumer Affairs Representative
Consumer Affairs
I’m thinking I’ll probably be receiving a prototype all black toothbrush from them for reviewing purposes. Perhaps Ms. Jordan will take the time to write me a little hand written note as well. Only time will tell!
Nov 13
There was a terrible time in my life, in which I didn’t particularly like big kick ass beers, I drank malt liquor, I drank rolling rock and horrible, horrible shit. I call this time anywhere between the ages of 17-18. When a friend finally got a fake ID, and we had carte blanche reign over the beer isle, I bought a bottle of Stone’s Arrogant Bastard, and a six-pack of Sierra Nevada. I could hardly manage to drink the Arrogant Bastard, the hoppiness was overpowering, even the Sierra Nevada was far from enjoyable to me…
However time heals all wounds, or in this case evolves all palates, and I began to explore the more intense beers not simply because I thought it would make me look like a bad ass (though it is a nice side effect), but out of a sincere lust for something of substance, something with a voice. The India Pale Ale was the first beer style that yelled loud enough for me to pick it out of a crowed. So like a newly born, blind kangaroo baby, I clung to it as though it were my mother’s fur and crawled instinctively into its nurturing marsupial pouch.
The side effect of my early and often IPA abuse is that I’ve become extremely accustom to the flavor profiles they present. Big hops, tons of bitter lovely flavor and a deliciously tangy lingering aftertaste. While I’m no where near being tired of it, I do feel that it takes a good deal more uniqueness to truly rouse me than it did when I made the switch from Mickey’s Grenades to real beer.
Which brings me at last to the beer this review is supposedly reviewing… Karl Strauss’ Tower 10 IPA. This is a lovely, lovely beer. Appropriately bitter, but not so much that it flattens out the flavor profile. Slightly citrus-y, but not so much that it becomes gimmicky. The aftertaste comes on strong and coats the mouth with a lingering bitterness. It’s balanced, above all else, and engenders love and respect because of this.
Often I think the IPA genre becomes a brewery’s intimidation beer. The brew they produced with maximum hops, full flavored, high percentage, full on attitude, in an attempt to garner some street-cred. While this does produce some truly impressive over-the-top beers, I fear that it sells the IPA style short, and is increasingly pushing it towards homogenization. Tower 10 avoids this, both in marketing that is delightfully lacking “edginess” and in a taste that satisfies the lust for hops, without sacrificing multidimensional flavor in the process.
Interestingly Tower 10 didn’t shake me from my IPA desensitization by blowing me away with it’s intensity, nor did it get my attention by going to extremes in the addition of adjunct flavorings like orange peel or something. Instead it simply followed the old creed “Everything in Moderation” and in doing so it delivers a wonderfully balanced IPA experience.
(Did Ben Franklin really coin “Everything in Moderation”? I feel like every witty quote from American History is either attributed to him or Mark Twain, often erroneously, so why bother siting the source anymore. Right?)
Nov 2
‘Because I said so.’ Great explanation. Hey ma, you want to be the next world leader? This wouldn’t fly in any sort of political exchange so why should it be a valid argument at home?
Obama: Hey Medvedev.
Medvedev: Yeah?
Obama: Suck it.
Medvedev: What… Why?
Obama: Because I said so.
BOOM! Medvedev is so confused and angry he no longer cares about mutual assured destruction, and he blows us all up. Human kind is over.
There’s a review in here somewhere, and I think it has to do with parenthood, or that horrible humanity ending phrase. Parents are the Russia’s of the world, and children are Georgia.
Once in a while your little hell raiser might invade his own South Ossetia, but you still must deal with it in a pragmatic lucid manner. It doesn’t matter even if the European Union (school?) recognizes that it was Georgia that provoked the war (invading that cute girl Sally?). Yes, she’s pregnant, and now you must deal with it, but do it rationally. Think for a second. You can’t force your child into a shotgun wedding without a shotgun.
Right now I remember, this review is about shotguns. THEY ARE AWSOME. Everyone go buy a shotgun right now!
Things you can do with a shotgun include:
Bitch, seriously get out of my way. There are only 3 of you, and yet you have managed to block the bike path in both directions, and the walking path. It amazes me how oblivious you idiots really are. You are walking an arm lengths apart. Is this just in case you break into involuntary simultaneous jumping jacks?
Your arms are swinging with such vigor I’d swear you were speed walkers, but you’re moving maybe 2 mph. You don’t walk in a straight line, and you yap, oblivious to any other individual that wants to get around your dumb ass. We both know too that if someone came in saying ‘on your left’ you would freak the fuck out, and get all pissy about how they blew by you. To you, bitches of the bike path, FUCK YOU!
The bike path can be a great thing. Running on the street can be sketchy, and it’s nice to get away from the cars. Most people adhere to the concept of the path, and all is well on the carless strip of asphalt. Then there’s these women, and it’s always women. They leave absolutely no room. Personally, when coming at them, I choose one to run directly at, and force her off to the side. I give her a death stare, and I’m considering carrying a shiv just in case she has the nerve to say ‘good morning.’
This all happened on the San Francisquito Trail which is actually a very nice long trail. I usually come in on it at the corner of McBean and Copper Hill, but if you want to drive there you can pick it up at the Valencia Heritage Park on Newhall Ranch Road. This is all in Santa Clarita, CA.
PS: It seems that this site is slowly turning into our hated of humanity. Oh well, so be it.
System: 0, Collin: 1 million.
I can’t read half of what the notes on this pile of trash are trying to convey to me. Something about my thesis not having anything to do with the rest of the paper (small potatoes, really). What I can read is that big ol’ fuckin’ “A-”!
Looks like I correctly surmised that being smart means you don’t have to try. This paper was certainly no skin off my back, and look at the result. A very respectable A-, I can live with that. It’s like the professor read it and knew that I just crapped it out, but she can see my inner genius shinning through the cracks. And what the hell, compared to the pile of regurgitated lunchables she’s just read through this thing is pretty damn good. So an A feels right, but she can’t just give me an A. If she does that she knows I’ll quit right there, lock in this level of crap-quality and churn it out for the rest of the semester. So she gives me the minus there as a means of encouraging improvement. Clever girl.
So there you have it folks, the systems broke but I ain’t in no mood to fix it.
Here’s what we’re going to do. I just wrote a paper, not a big one, just a 3 page jobber we write every week for a upper level history course I’m taking. I wrote it about a 6th century Persian work that essentially amounts to a “Scientific” discourse on, uh, everything. I read a few pages, skimmed through most of it and also read two paragraphs of scholarly writing about it. Then I wrote a brief essay detailing what the work tells us about the values of Persian elites during the period.
Who knows? Not me. I guessed. Said it had a lot to do with their emphasis on logical reasoning and it’s application to the natural world. I put two quotes from the book into the paper (thank you online source of the book for allowing me ctrl+F myself to relevant supporting passages with ease) and called it a day.
How is this a review you ask? It’s not… yet. Consider this the pre-review. Here’s the deal, I’m going to turn this thing in today and then when I get it back in a week or so time I’ll see if I’ve properly beaten the system, or if they call my bluff.
Not that this is plagiarized, it’s not, I wrote every word (except supporting sources, obviously), my ideas are my own and everything is properly cited. I should make that clear in case anyone working for the man is reading this.
Anyway, point being, there’s no reason I should be able to get away with this. If I do, it more or less proves that if you have even lick of intelligence you can sail through pretty much everything academic with relative ease. Sadly, I suppose it also means that standards have been lowered greatly to accommodate a humongous wave of stupid people… Which is bad for everyone.
Should I get this paper back and it’s so drenched in red that it looks like it just fought the battle of Iwo Jima, then I’ll know that all hope is not lost. The world still has a sharp bullshit detector and higher education isn’t a total sham.
So, now we wait. Frankly it’s a bit of a double edge sword, I’d rather get a good grade, but maintain my faith in humanity. Sadly, that’s not an option. We’ll see!
UPDATE: Part Two Completed, results are in! Read it HERE!
A pen is a pen of course of course. This is what one would think, but it proves to be flagrantly inaccurate. I used a Pilot G2 for nearly all of my tertiary education, and it preformed admirably. The only problem I had with them was that I always broke the clip, but this was more my fault than the pen maker. Then I thought that maybe I was missing a whole other world out there of click top pens, so I ventured into the unknown. My next purchase was the Papermate equivalent, and it too rocked some serious note taking. So recently when I needed a new batch of pens after customers have slowly over time stolen mine, I figured any choice was a good choice. I went cheap, and boy do I regret it.
Meet the OfficeMax GEL 0.7, a worthless pile of generic apathy. Running somewhere around 5 bucks for a 6 pack, they are cheap compared to the Pilot G2s, but still not all that cheap, just crappy. The pen offers a reasonable amount of comfort sporting a grip pad, but it is much more firm, and far less padded than its rivals. That’s about where compliment(s) for the pen cease.
The plastic used it cheap, and thin. After one week on the job, one has already broken under pressure. Without warning a hairline fracture caused the bottom portion to shoot across the room with all its innards at an incredibly high velocity.
Then there’s the writing, oh you poor bastard of a pen. It can write on very limited surfaces, and I mean very limited. If the surface does not have mild padding like a stack of papers, you are royally fucked. When it does work, the ink distribution is all wonky. Often times it will lay ink on two distinctive lines, and have a very thin white gap in the middle. This makes small writing hard to read. You bastards at Office Max are going to cost me tips because I can’t make out what the hell people wrote on the credit card receipt. It should be noted too that the Papermate pen could be held horizontal for some time before the ink would settle and you couldn’t write anything. You can not write horizontal at all on this pen in the horizontal position, which might seem like a minor detail, but in my line of work there is a lot of writing that is done against a door frame.
While Pilot and Papermate R&D were pulling all-nighters, Office Max went with the ‘eh, that’s good enough’ approach.’ Due to my cheapness, I will probably ride this batch of pens out, though that should only take another month or so, then I’m going back to good pens.
Thank you Office Max for making a product that should be simple and reliable, and seriously fucking it up.
