Fiscally my life is constantly oscillating between having some money and having no money. I’m on my way back down to the having no money side of things so it seemed fitting to cash in a bowl full of coinage I’ve been saving for my return back to poverty-vile.

My sister and I went to the local Vons to do this. They have a machine there created by elves that’s called a “Coin Master” which automatically counts your coinage. However, just like the elves that run the world’s richest investment banks, they take a cut. In this case 8.9%. That’s a lot but I’m a lazy, lazy man, and even when money gets tight I’m usually willing to pay for something that makes life easier in the near term (like booze for example) even if it ends up costing me down the road (like booze for example).

So we start dumping in the coins, my total comes out to roughly $12.00. Blah, whatever – print – the machine spits out my receipt. Then tells me on it’s crappy little calculator like LCD screen (Coinstar machines are leaps and bounds nicer to look at than Coin Masters. That’s because pixies are responsible for their creation.) to check the coin return. I reach in to find a god damned PILE OF MONEY IN THERE. The sister and I begin to dump this money back into the machine, it spits out about 50% of what I put back in but seems to be reading 100% of it… So we spend the next 10 minutes feeding the machine it’s own excrement until my total reaches $23-ish and change. HOT DAMN! We repeat the process and my sister get’s $25 from it…

Now I know you’re thinking “this is dishonest and evil, and fucking with elves is a bad idea!”, you’re right it is. But I’m not a bad person. A bad person would have gone to his bank and pulled out $1000 in quarters and fed this thing for hours. Wait no, I mean I’m not a smart person because I just thought of that now and I’m too lazy to actually go do it… I guess I’m more afraid of those elves than I thought.

To conclude. If you can find a coinmaster machine that’s fucking up horribly you should probably go and use it. In fact, from here on out I think I’ll probably only use the coinmaster machines, they’re really poorly built (the tray that the coins go into was broken loose when we got there, plus it’s ugly) which means maybe this flaw is systemic. Go forth and pillage, just watch out for elves.

Share With Internet