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I Always Seem To Wind Up In The Toy Isle

Nov 26

Posted by Chris in Product Review | No Comments

gun

Like all good weaponry the Double Shot works best with booze.  The gun’s main purpose is to harass and irritate family and friends.  Dogs also tend to be very skittish of these things, and for good reason.

This double barrel dart shooting shotgun is made by the people of Buzz Bee Toys.  Purchased at Target for $9.99 I thought I was getting a hell of a bargain, but it turned out to be another Chinese conspiracy.  This gun has nothing on any Nerf products.

The cartridges shoot out when you crack the gun open, which is fun at first, but quickly becomes aggravating.  Darts often didn’t leave the chamber, and instead found themselves lodged in the barrel of the gun.  This can be quite embarrassing when trying to kill Julia Child on the Jumbo-screen.  The darts are firing using air hence its name ‘Air Blasters.’  However, the gust of air is weak causing inaccuracy, and a short firing range.  For my taste I find the gun too light, and overall cheaply made.  I was hoping more for a full sized, possibly real shotgun experience.  This is why after shooting this toy, Collin’s suggestion of shooting a friends real shotgun made in the U.S. of A. sounded like a great idea.

I suppose it’s worth noting that this is a child’s toy, but the fact that there is really no creative alterations on the traditional shotgun, and it’s more of a miniature colorful replica is disturbing.  The world needs child soldiers, but they can’t learn on this equipment.

At target looking at the table chart of Nerf products we saw the Vulcan, an intense bipod mounted killing machine.  After muttering it’s name a stoner Target worker seemed very eager to show us the product, and was seemingly disappointed when we refused.  Sorry buddy.

The shotgun was fun for a short time, but it’s poor quality and the fact that I’m 24 rendered it useless after one day.  Oh well, 10 bucks on something that had potential.

Product: Buzz Bee Toys Air Blasters Double Shot
Price: $9.99

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Parental Dictatorship

Nov 2

Posted by Chris in Truth | 1 Comment

‘Because I said so.’  Great explanation. Hey ma, you want to be the next world leader?  This wouldn’t fly in any sort of political exchange so why should it be a valid argument at home?

Obama: Hey Medvedev.
Medvedev: Yeah?
Obama: Suck it.
Medvedev: What… Why?
Obama: Because I said so.

kid

BOOM!  Medvedev is so confused and angry he no longer cares about mutual assured destruction, and he blows us all up.  Human kind is over.

There’s a review in here somewhere, and I think it has to do with parenthood, or that horrible humanity ending phrase.  Parents are the Russia’s of the world, and children are Georgia.

Once in a while your little hell raiser might invade his own South Ossetia, but you still must deal with it in a pragmatic lucid manner.  It doesn’t matter even if the European Union (school?) recognizes that it was Georgia that provoked the war (invading that cute girl Sally?).  Yes, she’s pregnant, and now you must deal with it,   but do it rationally.  Think for a second.  You can’t force your child into a shotgun wedding without a shotgun.

Right now I remember, this review is about shotguns.  THEY ARE AWSOME.  Everyone go buy a shotgun right now!

Things you can do with a shotgun include:

  • Weddings
  • Marching on Capitol Hill
  • Getting real drunk in the middle of nowhere shooting beer cans & trees.
  • Looking like a badass.

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BlackBerry Storm v.5.0.0.328 Update – Now With Useability

Oct 28

Posted by Chris in Product Review, Technology | No Comments

hitler

This device has tested my patience over the last year.  At times, I am delighted with it, but often I get mad at the damn thing because it takes forever to unlock, and dial a call.

Last week I was ready to throw by BlackBerry through a wall.  I had given up on the lock feature.  I downloaded the free StormSlider application which works like the iPhone unlock, and have since been satisfied.  I also deleted BlackBerry App World, probably the most clunky, device slowing application ever created.  I suppose it’s ironic that RIM designed a horrible application, but I don’t want ironic, I want a good phone.

Yesterday I got their latest update v.5.0.0.328, and I am very surprised with the results.  They have greatly improved on the visuals including the elastic tension that the iPhone has, and better transitions between application, and windows.

The whole device feels much snappier too.  It no longer clunks along as it often did, and everything is nearly instantaneous when clicked on.  Many of the basic features have been tweaked too making the visuals much more pleasant to the eyes.

Note this though.  The Storm’s keyboard even in landscape is not made for fat fingers.  Sorry tubby, that’s just the way it is.  The onscreen keyboard does not compensate in any way for your missteps, though it now does try to guess your words, which I haven’t decided yet if that’s good or bad.

wp-content-uploads-2008-01-fat-homer-lrg

Not many people mention this when writing anything about phones, but which I find particularly useful is the custom dictionary.  Basically, if you like to curse, or you’re a racist, and like that to spill into your conversation with people you can put these words into your custom dictionary, and the phone won’t correct you because it knows just how much of a horrible human being you really are.

The BlackBerry Storm has actually, finally managed to be a good phone.  The thing is built like a tank, and now the software, dare I say it,  works well.  I would not buy the thing however, as RIM is due to release a Storm 2 in the near future.  If you already have the Storm, for the love of god get the update.

Get the update here.

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This shitty paper I just wrote about a book I didn’t read.

Oct 8

Posted by Collin in Observation, School, Truth | 2 Comments

SchoolSucks_1

Here’s what we’re going to do. I just wrote a paper, not a big one, just a 3 page jobber we write every week for a upper level history course I’m taking. I wrote it about a 6th century Persian work that essentially amounts to a “Scientific” discourse on, uh, everything. I read a few pages, skimmed through most of it and also read two paragraphs of scholarly writing about it. Then I wrote a brief essay detailing what the work tells us about the values of Persian elites during the period.

Who knows? Not me. I guessed. Said it had a lot to do with their emphasis on logical reasoning and it’s application to the natural world. I put two quotes from the book into the paper (thank you online source of the book for allowing me ctrl+F myself to relevant supporting passages with ease) and called it a day.

How is this a review you ask? It’s not… yet. Consider this the pre-review. Here’s the deal, I’m going to turn this thing in today and then when I get it back in a week or so time I’ll see if I’ve properly beaten the system, or if they call my bluff.

Not that this is plagiarized, it’s not, I wrote every word (except supporting sources, obviously), my ideas are my own and everything is properly cited. I should make that clear in case anyone working for the man is reading this.

Anyway, point being, there’s no reason I should be able to get away with this. If I do, it more or less proves that if you have even lick of intelligence you can sail through pretty much everything academic with relative ease. Sadly, I suppose it also means that standards have been lowered greatly to accommodate a humongous wave of stupid people… Which is bad for everyone.

Should I get this paper back and it’s so drenched in red that it looks like it just fought the battle of Iwo Jima, then I’ll know that all hope is not lost. The world still has a sharp bullshit detector and higher education isn’t a total sham.

So, now we wait. Frankly it’s a bit of a double edge sword, I’d rather get a good grade, but maintain my faith in humanity. Sadly, that’s not an option. We’ll see!

UPDATE: Part Two Completed, results are in! Read it HERE!

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American Optical Original Pilot Sunglasses

Sep 29

Posted by Collin in Product Review | 1 Comment

OH HEY SEXPOT WHAT UP

OH HEY SEXPOT WHAT UP

I went sailing two weeks ago. Upon returning to the marina after a rather successful day  at sea (no one died and we got pretty drunk) we managed to come in hot when entering the slip and damned near hit another boat (lots of yelling and pushing off of shit with long poles was involved). Then we almost hit the dock and I jumped off the ship to help guide us in. It was in this moment as I bent over to tie off to a cleat that my lovelyish Paul Smith sunglasses fell from my head and into the murky depths. Despite a valent attempt by one of the boats owners who donned snorkle gear and mounted a hell of a search and rescue operation, they were still lost.

No matter, they had their drawbacks. They had rather small lenses (that were brown). They slipped off my face a lot, a fault that would ultimately lead to their demise. Above all, you couldn’t really do anything athletic with them. So I went out in search of something new, and less prissy and expensive (that was a big deal).

The solution, American Optical Original Pilots. They’re the original aviator sunglasses, designed back in WWII for fighter pilots so that sun wouldn’t get in the way of killin’ Nazis. If you’re an idiot like me and feel like the shit you buy does, in some way, define you (or at least your outward appearance) whether you like it or not, than you know that owning something that was fundamental in Nazi killin’ is a good thing.

The glasses cost about $40.00, which is a steal. They’re made in the USA and appear to me to be of fine quality build. The lenses kick the shit out of any pair of glasses I’ve ever owned. They’re glass and the optical clarity is amazing. Rather than having really slim curving sides that hook the ear they’ve got sizeable plastic ends which flex a bit but are curved inward, the result is a much grippier feeling, without the sensation that your temples are being slowly pierced.

I went on a 3 hour bike ride yesterday and while they’re clearly not proper sporting sunglasses (they don’t look like spacemen would wear them at all) they preformed admirably. As an added bonus I looked like a complete badass (in my mind) as I streaked (huffed and puffed and nearly vomited) through the hills of Southern California.

So final verdict, 9/10. Easily. They’re no-nonsense sunglasses with a heritage I can respect. You could go buy a pair of Oliver Peoples Aviators, but essentially you’re buying fancied up version of the original. The style was functional before it was fashionable, so why not go with the real thing.

(Added bonus, Don Draper wears them. Not that I’m into it or was even aware of that prior to ordering them… I swear to God…)

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