150 million American uteri collectively quivered today as Oprah Winfrey announced the end of her daytime talk show. The show will be ending in 2011 at the end of its 25th season. Only a fool wouldn’t recognize this as a Chinese conspiracy, and an attempt at destroying the US economy.
Joblessness in America already exceeds 10% and only stands to get worse with the end of the talk show. With no Oprah women will grow tiresome of the domestic life, and seek to join the ranks of the employed. It is no coincidence that her announcement to retire comes on the heels of the projected economic recovery. These fat bon-bon eating self empowered motivated women will make it difficult for the zombie eyed dead soul current job seekers to compete. Employers will be pleased to see that the chipper Operahites know outlook, word, and excel. Yes, opening a document in an application makes you an expert.
In an attempt at deterring hordes of fatties from gaining employment the Obama administration has authorized Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner to cut women’s pay from the current 70 cents earned compared to a man down to 40 cents. It is expected that the fatties will become irate, start yelling, become incredibly tired, and finally just sit down and watch ‘The Price is Right.’ We can only hope that Drew Carey hasn’t been paid off by the commies yet.
Ice cream maker Nestle has already announced that the ramifications of her decision are likely to hinder their business model. Nearly half of Nestle’s revenue is based on women and gays during the hour ‘Oprah’ is on air. An anonymous Nestle representative has told us that the company may need to shed as many as two thirds of its employees. If that weren’t enough the Chinese government has announced it will operate a state run creamed ice program called Lee’s Nest Creamed Ice and Ammunition.
We have been able to keep the reds at bay for the past 24 years with the economic boom that Oprah has created. Yes, as a man, I hate Oprah, but like the prostate exam we need her.
My guess is that China is going to take Taiwan and rename it Oprah. The Taiwanese will protest at first, but the women will get addicted to her, and she will have them withhold sex from the men until the men surrender.
